Memorabilia

Wow. Nostalgia. I decided to open a box that has been in my closet for 3 years pretty much untouched, hidden behind laundry hampers.  In this box I found old pictures, documents the prove I am an Eagle Scout, my mission call to Virginia, and several drafts of a letter to a girl that never were completed. I remember sending a letter at some point, but these didn't make the cut.  As I re-read them it reminded me why I am not yet married. I am still searching for another girl to feel that way about. It just hasn't happened.

I remember this letter. I went through a lot of paper. Finally I typed it up just the way I wanted it and THEN wrote it down. She had been in London for 10 days so I didn't really talk to her at all during that time.  Plus she lived 1300 miles away.  The distance was terrible and I was totally insecure but I loved her more than anything or anyone in the whole world.

Here are some excerpts from the best unsent version of the letter.

October, 2006
Girl's Name Omitted,

"I could write a 1000 letters and not say what I want to say. I could let this pen bleed it's ink and not be able to put into perspective my thoughts, fears, hopes and feelings I have that involve you.

I have tried to write poems, texts, emails...nothing is sufficient.  I wish you were in my arms as you read these words.  I wish I could see your face, watch your reactions, look in your eyes as these words are taken in.

This, our situation, is the hardest thing I have ever endured. I would have given up days into it because it is so hard. But it is you. Anyone else, anything else, it would have been over. But it is you.  The pain in waiting, the fear that you may not feel it, the wondering, questioning...it is agony.  But it is you so I endure.  I wait, For You.  And then it happens. A text, a call, a message and all of my fear, my doubts, my anxiety, they disappear.

When we are together it doesn't get any better for me.  It is easy, fun, affectionate, romantic.  Being with you is the pinnacle.  So when we are apart I have nowhere but down.  I soon realize that the feelings we have when we are together fade.  You go back home.  You are away.  You get off work and you go home to your family.  You have your friends.  Other guys are there chasing you.  There are so many distractions in your life and I wonder if you ever think of me.  I wonder if I am a priority.

Meanwhile, I come home to no one. I don't have any real friends here yet and then I wonder if I have you. You are the focus, you are my distraction. At work, soccer, softball, socially, you are the focus.  It is so opposite for us.  So I write letters, sends texts, leave messages.  I open up and let you into my mind, my heart.  I offer my feelings to you and I wait.  Hoping that the moments come, where for a flash, I become your focus, and you call."