Monday, July 24, 2006

My Final Analysis.

This is the last time I will write about her. I'm sorry for dragging you through this.

I saw her again last night and I realized that she is a good girl. I can't help but love her for who she is. I can't be mad and wondering. I can't feel bad for not getting a chance. As I have gone back and forth I can't send it. My Concerns aren't valid.

I was aided with some great advise from my sister Kara:
"Your last entry you said you were over her, but obviously you are not. Is it her you miss, or is it the fact that she doesn't want to be with you that makes you want her more? She's allowed to flirt, she's allowed to be friends, she's allowed to pull away and she doesn't need to give you an explanation. It sucks, but it's true. So here's the question, do you let her go, or do you let yourself be hurt by her even more when she has already said what she wanted to say?

I recall the classic line from a great song by bonnie raite: I can't make you love me, I can't make you're heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart, cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Let her go. It is completely her loss. You are giving her opportunities she doesn't deserve. You are a romantic, a man, a hottie and so funny. You do the choosing...take control."

I'd go back and erase that last post but I'm not going to. I felt that way. I have nothing to hide. She may read it. But she'll read this too: doom.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Should I Send It?

I am writing you this because I don’t understand your point of view...your situation. I want to understand. I’m not mad; I’m not trying to pressure you into anything. I’m not judging you. I like you, you know that. I like being your friend. I think you have been honest with me; I have no reason to believe you haven’t been. Can you help me understand?

Our minds work very differently. I am in a similar situation as you. I know that mine, supposedly, is not as intense or traumatizing as yours was. None the less, I have been through more than you know. You may think, oh you only knew me for a few weeks, but that is all it took. Here I am trying to get over you and trying to move on. It’s hard and I wish I didn’t have to but I do.

Let me tell you about how my brain works and maybe you can see why I am struggling to understand you. When relationships in my life have ended I end up handling it in 2 ways. Either I close myself off for a period of time, be it weeks or months, or I excuse it and move on. In the first case I mope around, I am sad, and I write some poems…all that kind of stuff. I don’t really go out much and I try to deal with the emotions and the separation. While with the 2nd style I may still be sad but I move on and allow myself the opportunity for something to come along. I’m out and about looking for new opportunities to get hurt again…not really, but that is what keeps happening. 

So when I hear you telling me that you are trying to get over this guy, the heartbreak, the feelings for him, and I see you out happy, flirting, outgoing, and looking available I get confused.

I start wondering in my mind…
Why is she flirting with guys?
Doesn’t she know that guys are going to like her if she is doing that?
Why is she putting herself at risk if she’s not ready?
If she’s going to be flirting and going out on dates with guys, why is she not giving me a chance?
Was she ever interested in me or was she telling me all of this to let me down easy?
Why does she want to be my friend?
What kind of friends does she want us to be?
The ‘Hey what’s up, we should hang out sometime’ kind?
Or the real deal, I know everything about you and I still love you kind?
Is she hoping the guy will figure out that she is the one for him?
Is she waiting for that to happen?
Is that why she’s going to BYU so she can be ‘around’ in case he realizes how great she is?

These may all be the stupidest questions ever to you. But I don’t know what you are thinking; I don’t know how you handle these things. I know you are busy. Think about it. Take your time. Maybe you can fill me in and help me understand. I haven’t ever done this before. I usually just say F it and let it die. I never try to stay friends. Why it is different this time? I don’t know.


Thursday, July 13, 2006

3 New Poems and a Quick Recovery

Yes its true, NEW POEMS! Happy day...I guess. Most of my poems are maybe not happy day. But at least you have some new material. I have put my poems in alphabetical order so it is not as easy to track the new poems down. I did that because I didn't want the people who inspired them to be able to go to my blog and see a new post and say, "That's about me! You Jerk!" or something similar to that. I will give you the titles though.

"Repetitious Ways", "Her Wall", "Scared".

I'll do some explaining because the "Quick Recovery" wouldn't make sense with out it. You can read my last 2 posts and know that there has been a little something going on with me and this girl. Well, I told her I was writing some poems inspired by her and she wanted to read them. She's been to the site before too. So she read the same ones you're about to read.

Without getting into any details...we broke up, this time from being friends. We figured out that it was too hard for me to just like her as a friend (because she's chocolate milk to me) and that she wasn't ready for anything to happen yet. It was hard to take. I wanted to be friends with her still.

I wrote her an email (which was how we came to the previous conclusions) that laid it all out. At the end I said, "I don’t know where to go from here really. My guess is that it is over. I don’t want it to be. Out of all the ones who have hurt me, you are by far my favorite one. You have my respect and love. Thank you so much my tiny chocolate milk." I shed a couple of tears as I wrote the last sentence, sent it, and left work.

It ended on a good note. She replied and it was over. I was sad. I tried not to think about it. I was really sad. This girl, she was to steal a line from a movie, "like Christmas morning." But it was done.

Oddly enough, while eating a tasty Flauta Bajio, from Bajio's Mexican Grill, it just hit me...I didn't like her anymore. Yeah! I know! But believe it! It was so strange. I just thought...Why bother having it hurt? You said what you needed to say. You did everything you could do. It wasn't the right time. Oh Well. Whataya gonna do.

And that was it. I didn't have those feelings for her. It was over. I could be her friend and not wish to be the guy that would buy her a pretty ring one day. I just didn't care and I was ok with what happened.

I texted her and told her what had happened. She replied later that night and said she was happy. I emailed her today and texted her yesterday and she hasn't responded...and you know what? That's ok.