Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Should I Send It?

I am writing you this because I don’t understand your point of view...your situation. I want to understand. I’m not mad; I’m not trying to pressure you into anything. I’m not judging you. I like you, you know that. I like being your friend. I think you have been honest with me; I have no reason to believe you haven’t been. Can you help me understand?

Our minds work very differently. I am in a similar situation as you. I know that mine, supposedly, is not as intense or traumatizing as yours was. None the less, I have been through more than you know. You may think, oh you only knew me for a few weeks, but that is all it took. Here I am trying to get over you and trying to move on. It’s hard and I wish I didn’t have to but I do.

Let me tell you about how my brain works and maybe you can see why I am struggling to understand you. When relationships in my life have ended I end up handling it in 2 ways. Either I close myself off for a period of time, be it weeks or months, or I excuse it and move on. In the first case I mope around, I am sad, and I write some poems…all that kind of stuff. I don’t really go out much and I try to deal with the emotions and the separation. While with the 2nd style I may still be sad but I move on and allow myself the opportunity for something to come along. I’m out and about looking for new opportunities to get hurt again…not really, but that is what keeps happening. 

So when I hear you telling me that you are trying to get over this guy, the heartbreak, the feelings for him, and I see you out happy, flirting, outgoing, and looking available I get confused.

I start wondering in my mind…
Why is she flirting with guys?
Doesn’t she know that guys are going to like her if she is doing that?
Why is she putting herself at risk if she’s not ready?
If she’s going to be flirting and going out on dates with guys, why is she not giving me a chance?
Was she ever interested in me or was she telling me all of this to let me down easy?
Why does she want to be my friend?
What kind of friends does she want us to be?
The ‘Hey what’s up, we should hang out sometime’ kind?
Or the real deal, I know everything about you and I still love you kind?
Is she hoping the guy will figure out that she is the one for him?
Is she waiting for that to happen?
Is that why she’s going to BYU so she can be ‘around’ in case he realizes how great she is?

These may all be the stupidest questions ever to you. But I don’t know what you are thinking; I don’t know how you handle these things. I know you are busy. Think about it. Take your time. Maybe you can fill me in and help me understand. I haven’t ever done this before. I usually just say F it and let it die. I never try to stay friends. Why it is different this time? I don’t know.

-Caleb

4 comments:

McCasline said...

Absolutley. You should send it.

Kara said...

Your last entry you said you were over her, but obviously you are not. Is it her you miss, or is it the fact that she doesn't want to be with you that makes you want her more? She's allowed to flirt, she's allowed to be friends, she's allowed to pull away and she doesn't need to give you an explanation. It sucks, but it's true. So here's the question, do you let her go, or do you let yourself be hurt by her even more when she has already said what she wanted to say?

I recall the classic line from a great song by bonnie raite: I can't make you love me, I can't make you're heart feel something it won't. Here is the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart, cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Let her go. It is completely her loss. You are giving her opportunities she doesn't deserve. You are a romantic, a man, a hottie and so funny. YOu do the choosing...take control.

I love you so much, come visit me please. xoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

my favorite saying is "she's just not that into you" just keep saying it, doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it's just a fact.

Krista said...

I think she's stupid and so is the anonymous person who wrote "she's just not that into you". Whatev.