Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Spike, the Pound Puppy That Made Me Cry

So there I am, reading Kara's new blog and I come across a post entitled "Spike." Spike is her pound puppy that she has had since she was 5. (She's 27 now.) But she tells the story about how her 2 year old daughter Ellie has claimed it as her own. And now Kara has somewhat imparted Spike onto her daughter. Anyhow, I totally fell apart and started crying as I read it. And now I tear box everytime I think about it. I caught me so off guard that a story like this would affect me the way it did. I literally cried like someone I loved dearly had just died. Or how I imagine I'd cry if that happened. It hasn't yet and honestly, I hope I die first so I won't have to deal with those emotions and that sort of loss.

Which brings me to my point. I have realized over the years that I am an emotional man. Not in a bad way. But that is the case. I think it is one of the reasons I am single at the moment. I tend to avoid casual relationships and dating for that matter because I get so attached. It scares me.

There are those of you out there that may find this a suprise. Others, not so much. I love my family more than I can express. I hope and think they know that. But I can be distant to them. I don't call them as often as they call each other. Then again I have 4 sisters...But I don't call them because of this fear. I mean, look what happened with the stuffed animal dog story. I knew the value that Kara had placed in that dog. I knew her attachment to it and to see her give it up was not only brave, touching, and poignant; but I envied her.

I am so scared to lose the things I love. And at the same time I want those opportunites in my life. I was jealous that she had the chance to pass that on, even if little Ellie doesn't understand the significance yet. I know that there is a huge piece of me missing because I haven't found her yet. But at the same time I am scared to death of the eventual possible separation that will occur. I don't want to have to date a girl fall in love with her and not have it work out. I can't take those kind of heart breaks. You've read some of my poems...I hadn't dated most of those girls and look what I wrote because of them.

So this is my dilemma. I know what I have to do. I have to take that risk but I am so scared. I know me too well. As bad as I want to step up to the plate, so to speak, I am not willing to pick up the bat.

On another note, I think that my sister's blogs are amazing. They have a way of bringing to life their words. The stories and the structure...I am not organized like that and I'm jealous.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Most Recently

Well, since I have posted anything of substance recently I thought it was time to do so. I think bullets are the best way for this.

* I just got a job with Provo Canyon School as a courier. My job, basically, is to take the kids at the school to doctor and dentist appoinments, or to and from the airport. Along with some random paper work here and there that is what I do. It is pretty laid back and the people I work with are good people. I like it so far.

* I am a sporting fool. A couple of weeks ago I played 4 softball games, a soccer game, and a flag football game. Needless to say I am a dominant force. I hit about .600 in softball and would probably win a gold glove at any of the 4 positions I play. In soccer I command the field from goal. Earning a shutout in a 12-0 win over the #1 ranked team in the upper division. In football, as quarterback, I threw 3 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, ran for a TD, and caught a TD pass. I threw for over 200 yards. Ok so that was cocky but what else do I have to brag about? Honestly, I'm a single, 26 yr old, college graduate with 2 part-time jobs, and no girlfriend or social life to speak of. So let me boast in the glory of my God given athletic ability. It is really all I have at the moment. And then I realize that intramurals and city league is nothing to brag about...

* I went to Tom's Wedding. I saw Jim there. I love them. I handed Tom a CD with the song Pony on it so he could filfill his Lopez obligations.

* I have all kinds of sweet ideas for companies and absolutley ZERO ways of making any money off of them. It is frustrating. I need some street cred or a company. I need some way to sell these ideas to these companies.

* I love women. But I would be totally comfortable changing that phrase to "a woman." I wouldn't mind falling in love.

That's it.