Monday, September 17, 2007

Poem of the Week - Part 3 - Restless

Week 3. Well, I knew last week would get me in a little trouble but it aint no thang. Everything is everything.

This week…let’s see…Ah yes. This one is relevant and recently on my mind. I wrote this poem a few years back. I was still living in Utah I suppose and I went back home to Alamo for a short visit. I show up at church and I see this girl and I am struck down with a familiar feeling. You see I can fall for a girl in a glance. Usually it is because of a pretty smile attached to a pretty face. I know exactly what I like and when I see it…I don’t know why but it hits me like, BAM!

There she was. I got nervous for a good reason…she was gorgeous. I had never seen her before which made me feel like I had been cheated my whole life. I didn’t know there were ones like this out there!

Anyways, I probed and found out a little bit about her. Her name was (and I suppose it still is) Ariel. Yes, just like the Little Mermaid. She did have a Disney Princess thing going, I don't think she is real. I didn’t have much of an opportunity to talk to her. It all kind of just happened and was over with nothing to show for it.

A few hours later, with her face still fresh in my mind, I got on a plane to head back to Utah and I wrote this poem about her. There were bits of prophesy which came true. I never did lay eyes on her again.


I can’t sleep
I can’t get comfortable
I can’t even speak
I can’t believe my eyes
Awestruck, frozen, un-fearless
And intimidated needless to say
I have so much to say
And no way to make words
Courage, in a time like this
Would be a guilty pleasure
More wasted feelings

It’s likely my eyes
Will never have that pleasure again
Sometimes a memory isn’t enough
I crave for more
I long for something to remind me
Did I really just see her?
You are more than beautiful
As you fade away
Isn’t there another way?

I lived in Utah, she in California and if I recall I she may have had an on-again-off-again boyfriend which complicated the situation. I guess our moms knew each other so I got her email address and we emailed a few times and that is the story.

The reason this poem is on my mind because a couple of weeks ago I have some strange married lady with a kid add me to her friends list on myspace. About a week ago I ask her if I know her. That sort of hurt her feelings because I didn’t remember her. She jogged my memory and it all came rushing back to me. It was her...and here she is. Click!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

A Crooked Babbling Brooke - Poem of the Week

I’ll put up a disclaimer up knowing that this will get imported to facebook and the person who inspired this poem may very well end up reading it. I think lyrically this is one of my favorite poems. Not because of what it says but how it is said.

Check it, I love your guts, you know this. It was my fault for falling so quickly for you back then…but then again it was your fault for being so easy to fall for. ;)

Here is the story. I have a bunch of other poems about this attempt at a relationship. What can I say it impacted me. It takes place about 4 years ago in Provo. My boy Dave introduces me to this girl and she was stacked; so easy on the eyes and so much fun. It was one of those moments that when I saw her, I smiled and I knew I was totally screwed. It happens to me on occasion. I can make up my mind to like some one in an instant. It is a weakness and fault that I have. It has caused me quite a bit of pain in my life thus far.

I fell hard knowing full well that it was a dangerous path I was taking. Anyhow, we had so much fun hanging out and being friends and just comfortable with each other. After going out and being together and feeling like things were cool I started to worry and feel like she wasn’t on the same path…we weren’t really walking towards each other…more so parallel…I guess. I dealt with my insecurities and doubts the best I could but the time came that I couldn’t hold out any longer and I had to find out what, if anything, was going to happen.

So we’re text messaging and I ask the question. I don’t remember what it was exactly but it got me an answer. One I dreaded. It said, roughly, 'blah blah blah, something something something, but I’m not physically or sexually attracted to you.'

Ow. I mean, I appreciate the honesty, for real, I do. I don’t blame her for it, that’s just how it is sometimes. I’ve felt that as I’m sure we all have at one point…it just sucks really bad to be on the receiving end of it. It is that moment where the hope and the fear come together and join to somehow form a deep agony.

I hate running. I’m not a fan at all. I read that text and it all came out and all I could think to do was run. People say it is therapeutic. I say what ever works for you. But there I was, running. I ran and got tired and realized that I still had to run back. I came home and didn’t feel any better…worse now because my body hurts. Remember, I just RUNNOFT (catch the O Brother Where Art Thou reference) I’m not a runner so I shocked my body a bit.

I sat down on my bed and cleared my mind the proper Caleb Way. I let the ink spill. This is what came out.

A Crooked Babbling Brooke

What, I’m not good enough? Do I give up?
Close the door behind me?
Well, the truth hurts. And what is worse, it is blinding.
Constantly reminding me, finding my weaknesses, hiding.
Bringing me grief, stealing my peace, a thief.
She a beauty, and me, the beast.
These kinds of stories, with no happy ending, they adore me, they form me.
No more pretending, lending me fantasies that can never be, only possibilities.
My heart is adrift on random seas.
Play me a heartbreak anthem please.
I can’t breathe, with tendencies to grieve.
She’s out of my league.
It’s cold. I freeze. Oh reality!
My needs never met, bereft, upset.
Yet, I can’t forget, or let go!
Still, I know this is how it ends again.
Lacking, never packing the total package though.
I’ll be good enough for someone, somewhere, someday, maybe.
I hope…

Note: I keep hearing that 2nd to last line and while it may be true it does not bring an ounce of comfort or a hint of relief.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Introduction: Poem of the Week

I don't know if this ruins it for people...if it does just let me know, but as I listen to various songs I sometimes think about what inspired them. I sometimes wonder if it is hard for them to perform some of those songs knowing that the feelings involved are so deep, personal, and hard to reflect on. How hard is it to stand in front of thousands of people and recall the all of those feelings and emotions that caused that song to be written.

I also find it amazing that a song can so succinctly describe a frame of mind or a certain emotion that I am feeling. I'd love to ask some these artists about how the song came to be. How and why did it get written?

In that light, I am going to explain a poem that I wrote each week (hopefully) to give people insight into that inspiration.

I wrote this poem reflecting on one of the nights that I hold closest to my heart. In the moment there wasn't any place I would have rather been. I sometimes wish I could relive that moment on repeat until the day that might actually get tired of it.

It was near the end of October 2006 and I took a trip to California and met my love interest at the time. My dad and I picked her up at the airport and headed to our beach house in Carmel. We had dinner and got settled a bit. It was probably past 11 when we took a walk down to the beach. The poem gives a sound narrative of the scenery and surroundings. It was very memorable to me. The title came from a song by Dashboard Confessional called Dusk and Summer. The line is in there at the beginning. I think these are somewhat sister songs.

I didn't write the poem for many months after. We had broken up and I still remembered and longed for this day. I know what we felt that night and I am waiting to feel that again. I don't know when, where, or with who it will be, but truly, I wait and hope for it. So while this poem holds some sadness in the fact that it is a happiness that didn't last the way I'd hoped, it gave me perspective into what is possible, and that is why this poem is a happy one.

Down By the Shore

We made our way in the darkness,
Down the path and steps
Towards a sandy beach below that awaited us, we crept
The fire burning in our hearts was enough to keep us warm
Yet we were met, a fire left burning, flickering on the shore
As strong waves crashed and stars filled the sky
We stood in the sand in the moonless night
We walked towards the sound of breaking swells
Breathing in the ocean's air, love had cast its spell
Hand in hand; then eye-to-eye Then lip to lip and finally a kiss
Cherishing the moments,
I held you by the fire's side
Holding to each other closely, shooting stars sparked the sky
Clinging to the seconds, pleading as they passed
To slow them down forever, so this night might last