Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A.D.D. Doesn't Exist!

As someone who was diagnosed with ADD in 1996 and prescribed Ritalin, then Dexedrine, then Adderall for nearly 10 years I can confidently tell you that ADD doesn't exist.

Whoever came up with the name Attention Deficit Disorder didn't have it and obviously wasn't thinking.  Most of the people treated for ADD are children and teenagers.  What is the message we send?  I know it affected me.  Caleb, there is something wrong with you, you have a deficit, you are lacking, you have a disorder. You need to take this medicine so you can be normal.  It wasn't good for me.  What was wrong with who I was and why did I need to change?  I still don't get that whole idea.

What is "NORMAL"?  Who determined that ADD wasn't the norm and it was everyone else that was off?  I'm going to come up with a term and flip it on everyone.

Let me first address the medicine.  The drugs listed above don't cure or fix ADD.  Sure they may help you concentrate and focus but they don't help you make the right decision. You could take a pill and just hyper-focus you on what ever it was you decided to do.  For me, sometimes it was cleaning, or video games, or occasionally homework.  I learned, especially in college, that I had to schedule my classes a certain way so that I could utilize the pill's effectiveness while I had the chance. Let's be honest, I wasn't going to go home and do homework. So to fix that I would schedule a math class or a class I knew would have lots of homework and then an hour or two hour break before my next class. I knew that if I was on that pill I needed to do the homework while I had Superman focus. I learned to harness the pill's power and channel that into the things I didn't want to do while I was on it.

It was tough though. I remember sitting in the hall doing my homework and my body would be freaking out on the inside.  I had stand up from my chair and physically calm my body down. These drugs are stimulants and they can mess you up.

Speaking of school, I am notoriously bad at math, algebra mostly.  (It was actually a math teacher that suggested to my parents that maybe I had ADD.)  When I got to college I took math 1010, Intro to Algebra, FIVE times before I passed it.  Not because I was terrible at it but because I didn't put myself in a position to succeed.  Also because algebra doesn't interest me, at all

First time I took it I didn't have a teacher.  We sat in little cubicle desks and had a work book and the work book was supposed to teach me hot to math.  There was a TA that would walk around an answer questions if you had one.  It didn't help that I had a snowboarding class on Thursdays that didn't technically overlap with my math class but the first bus up to the mountain left when I was supposed to be in class.  Snowboarding...now that interests me.

Next, I took an online course. Fail. You can't expect me to do something I don't enjoy because it is the right thing to do.  You can call that ADD if you want to but I call it normal.

Finally after a few more attempts I passed math 1010. Next up was Math 1050 and I failed it. Took it the next semester and got a teacher that spoke my math language.  I don't know what it was specifically but the guy helped me understand it.  I passed it easily.  Then calculus. I took it from the same teacher and passed it again first try.

While I am not naturally gifted in math per se, it just took the right teacher to help me understand the concepts in a way that made sense to me.  Because look, I think it is stupid to have an imaginary number 'i.' Also when you ask stupid questions like, if a turkey comes out of the oven at 250 degrees how long does it have to cool before it reaches a temperature of 165 degrees given that room temp is 71 degrees and it cools at (X) rate.

That is a stupid question on several levels. The answer is: IRRELEVANT. No sane person would wait the hour it takes for it to cool to that temperature. You have to wait at least 10-15 minutes because if you cut into a turkey without letting it rest the juices will will bleed out and ruin it.  That's a cook talking not a math wizard.  But also you have to take into account when you carve the turkey it will cool off at a much faster rate.  I'm not going to do math to determine when it is safe to eat a turkey once it has been cooked.  My mouth has the ability to sense heat.  If it is too hot I won't put it in my mouth.

Tangent. Sorry.

My point is that there is a lot to be said about teaching methods.  Not everyone learns like you do.  Some are visual, some prefer lectures, some need hands on real life experience with it before they understand it.  I wasn't great at physics in high school but I did build an award winning catapult in that class.  My ability to build out the concept was better than my ability to prove or explain it on a piece of paper.

If you took a look at my college transcripts you would see that in the classes that involved my major (marketing) I got really good grades.  Those classes: Principles in Marketing, Sales and Sales Management, Promotional Marketing, Marketing Research, Internet Marketing, Strategic Management, ect., were all classes that I was interested in.  These concepts and subjects captured my attention. Where economics, finance, geology, accounting didn't float my boat and my grades suffered.

I don't have trouble paying attention to the things I like paying attention to.  I find it strange that people find that strange. Your ability to focus on certain things, different things, doesn't mean I have a disorder.  It means I like to do what I like to do.  That shouldn't be strange or weird or wrong or diagnosable. If we don't think the same way or learn the same way doesn't mean your way is better than my way.  Your ability to determine when to mathematically eat a turkey doesn't mean you can cook one.

People are different and have different brains that see things differently.  I've used this example in the past.  Take a drinking fountain.  When you see one, what goes through your brain if you were to really stop and think about it?

A biologist may think of the germs on the handle and spout.  An engineer may think about the mechanics of how the water is pumped out.  A physicist may see the effects of gravity on the water as it is pulled down the drain. A plumber may see the inner workings of pipes and drains. A personal trainer may be reminded that people need to drink more water every day. A mathematician  may see it and think about how to calculate the parabola the water forms. A marketing person may look at it and think, how can I improve this so I can sell more drinking fountains?  That is the beauty of life and humanity.  There are people who like different things and who are good at different things. 

You can try to blame ADD for your child's misbehavior but it isn't ADD.  In all honesty, your child is probably bored.  Your child is not interested in certain things.  That is a fact of life.  You know what happens when kids become bored and disinterested?  They start looking for things that interest them and it usually causes some kind of disturbance. 

If you think your child is "suffering" from ADD maybe it is because they are not being stimulated by the right things.  What is it they like?  Find out and steer them in that direction.  Be careful not to judge their interests as worthless or dumb.  If the kid likes to work on cars or build things or solve puzzles, GO WITH IT!  If they like to organize, clean, cook, play sports, teach, or dance; feed that passion and desire.  You will find that suddenly there is far less deficit than you thought.  Don't make them grow up into something you think they should become.  Let them become them.

My dad told me that when he was young he would get in trouble in grade school because he would act out and disrupt the class.  It wasn't because he was stupid or wasn't learning the material, it was the exact opposite.  He was really smart.  He learned more quickly than the other kids.  So while they caught up to him he became something of a trouble maker in the teacher's eyes.  They thought he may have had a learning disability.  Turns out they were exactly wrong.

You can say ADD exists if it makes you feel better about yourself or works as an excuse for your child and their behavior but you are just selling yourself short.  The fact is, ADD doesn't exist.  Some people just do things differently than you and you don't understand it.  I have come to terms with it and it is time you do too.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Find a Person with 'No Regrets' and You've Found a Liar.

I always hear people say that you should "live life with no regrets."

"I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end." --Drew Barrymore

"If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world." --Mercedes Lackey

I've never understood why people say such things when they are obvious lies; and if not lies, than at very least, farcical.

Let me explain. Take Drew's quote up there.  She is saying something many people believe. Every choice you make determines who you are. You don't think she regrets an acting role here or there?  Sure, maybe she learned from her mistakes but that doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake. 

Don't like that stream of thought?  How about this.  Using that same quote, what if you are a terrible person? Mr. Scrooge anyone?  He changed eventually but he hurt a lot of people along the way long before that change ever took place.  Think he doesn't have any regrets? He could have changed lives long before he did, had more joy and love in his life if he had made some different choices.

That is why I don't believe anyone that says, "I lived so I had no regrets."  That's just lies!  There is no way you can do it.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing either.

If you live in a way so that you regret nothing you are living a life that is void of true passion. My view is that if you care about things, any things, enough to feel an emotion over them, then you are going to regret something along the road of life.

Sure, it's a movie but I see a little regret there with old Sean, Captain of the Red October.  He brought his best friend and 2nd in command on a hopeful voyage to make it to America.  His friend didn't make it. You don't think that once he made it safely to the shores that he had a little regret that he wasn't able to share it with his Bestie?

“I would alter nothing of the journey made for it is in this road travelled that the sweetest of lessons are learnt.” -- Truth Devour, Wantin

I don't see anything wrong with some regret.  It is a recognition that we are fallible, that we make mistakes, and that we can learn from those mistakes.  That is the beauty of what regret is.  It is a reminder to be better, to improve, to live.  As long as it doesn't become a burden, a weight. Don't let it negatively affect you.  THAT is what you need to take away from all this.  Regret is OK as long as it doesn't destroy you.

I have a few regrets.  One that comes to mind.  I had just graduated college.  I was working a little here and there.  There was this girl that I had a bit of a relationship with.  We weren't technically dating or anything but I really liked her.  She liked me too but I wasn't sure how much.

Anyhow, she was driving home to Oregon with her mom after school was finished and got in a terrible car crash.  She had broken her neck and was in a hospital in Idaho probably 5-7 hours away from me.  I got a phone call from a mutual friend explaining the situation.  I distinctly remember the place and time, where I was standing; it is vivid still.  I remember the feelings, the emotion, the decision.  I wanted to leave right then and go to her. I wanted to be with her.  I, I was in love with her. 

I talked myself out of such a crazy idea.  What kind of guy just shows up?  I don't know where she is exactly in Idaho.  I don't know if she can have visitors.  What if I show up and she is paralyzed?  I don't know if I can handle that.  What is I show up and she gets weirded out and ruins things between us.   I can't miss work.  It's a long ways away.

I was scared.

I didn't go.

I regret not going.

I am sad I didn't take the opportunity to express my love and concern.   I don't know what would have happened had I gone.
  • Maybe we would have fallen in love and gotten married and we'd have a family and I wouldn't have spent the last 10 years alone.  
  • Maybe she would have made it clear that things were not going the way I thought they could have. 
  • Maybe neither and we would have continued on as friends.
There is no way to tell now.

A couple years later we had a little long distance thing.  I had the best night of my life with her on a cool, moonless October night by a fire on a beach in Carmel.  There was a moment where I had everything I ever could have dreamed I wanted and I was completely satisfied with life.  That never would have happened had I made the decision to go.

I've had hundreds of great things happen to me since then that I am happy to have experienced.  I am also very aware that this decision, this regret I feel, will at some point go away. I'm going to meet someone that makes that night at the beach feel like a bad scout camp out in the snow.  You know, unless I die or something tragic like that. (God forbid)

It is fine to have regret, but don't LIVE with regret.  I don't.

Friday, January 03, 2014

Hope to Hopeless

It is hard to press that "Call" button on your phone when the person on the other end is a girl that you are totally sprung on.  It seems counter intuitive.  Why would you be scared to call someone you like and are interested in?  The answer is simple: HOPE.

Wait, what?

True story. HOPE is the thing that keeps the little light shining in your heart and in your head lit up.  Let's be real for a minute or two.  In that space between "We've never met" and "The End" is where all the HOPE is.

Two weeks ago I didn't know this girl existed.  She was just some girl.  I had no feelings one way or the other.  She was immaterial, nothingness.  But the second I found out she was real, BOOM, HOPE.

It starts off as intrigue.  Whoa, this girl is pretty.  She looks like angels sing. Her hair is all perfectly flowing.  Her smile makes you smile.  What ever it is about her that makes her special, you notice it.  Yeah, her hair flows perfectly like there are invisible fans and fairies that blow and position every strand so the sun hits the highlights just right.  You notice that stuff and you feel kinda stupid for noticing but you can't help it.

The situation presents itself where you can talk to her.  You freak out inside because the HOPE builds.  Are you going to say something stupid and ruin it?  Will she give you the time of day?  I don't know this girl.  Maybe she's the meanest girl ever.  It's all questions, theory, speculation.  You don't know what to expect.

She bites. What ever just happened somehow worked. More HOPE.  She has your number.  Will you ever hear from her again or is that the end?  Will there be an awkward run in somewhere down the road where you call her out?

No. She texts you. What? WHAT! Your insides feel like they are doing jumping jacks in there. It's a wonderful feeling. HOPE springs.  It grows.  So you chit chat.  Make some tentative plans. You meet up.  After it's over you analyze...way too much.  You enjoyed it, things went well from your end.

Did she like it?  How long do you wait?  Timing is everything. You don't want to sound too eager but you are! You would turn around right now and go spend more time with her if you could because everything she said and did only made you HOPE that there would be a next time.

You try to play it cool but you're not cool.  You're losing your marbles.  More analyzing.  It's terrible.  Did it go THAT well?  Did you say too much? Were you TOO open?  Will you see her again?  When? Does she like you?  Is she at her house thinking about you?  Did you even get a second thought after the fact?  What do you say next?  When do you say it?  You don't want to come off as desperate...but you ARE!  Right now all this HOPE inside of you is making you want to run up to her and tell how you really feel.  But that is crazy talk.  You can't just tell a girl stuff like that.  Movies got your mind all messed up. That's not real life.

You give it some time.  You find something you talked about and bring that up.  Shoot her a text.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not if you can help it.  "Hey, fyi, you should check this out because I just found saw this and you said you liked that."  The HOPE is she takes that as 'oh, he actually listened to me when I was talking.' But maybe she doesn't. Analyze it.  Wait for a response.  Will one come?  How long will it take for her to see it?  What is she doing right now?

Man, you like this girl. You genuinely like her.  That scares you.  You have invested time, maybe a little money, those things matter less.  You have invested FEELINGS.  You have taken that HOPE and built it up into a possibility.  That feeling that maybe this is the girl that could change your life.  Maybe this is the girl that you would want to change for.  You HOPE she is.

So you continue to try and play it cool. The hours, the days, they creep by.  You pull her name up on your phone and you stare at it.  Is it too soon?  What are you going to say?  You want to ask her out. That is the plan.  But it isn't a plan. It is an idea.  You look at her contact picture, you smile.  She' a babe.  Minutes pass.  Your phone goes dark.  You have to unlock it and it opens up to her.  Your brain is freaking out.  Just push "Call."

But what if...

What if she doesn't want to go on a date?  All this HOPE.  The desire for her to be that girl.  It is all on the line.  It is a terrible feeling.  You don't want it to be the end so you put the phone down. Stupid feelings.

This process goes on for an hour, half a day, a day. Finally, you press the button.  It rings...and rings...and rings.  Oh crap.  Voice mail. Do you leave a message?  What do you say?  You weren't prepared for a message.  You can't ask her out on a voice mail! Too many thoughts. Click.

Now what? Analysis.  Duh.  There are a thousand reasons that she may not have answered the phone.  But the only image in your head is her picking up her phone, looking at who it is, and putting it back down.  That HAS to be what happened.  There's no way she's in a movie, or in the shower, or taking a nap or the 997 other things it could have been.  No. She screened your call and didn't want to talk to you.

You blew it.  It's over.

That's what you think to yourself, right?  You have all this HOPE inside of you, that she wants to hear from you, that she likes you, that maybe she will give you a chance.  I mean, you aren't the only guy after her.  You know that right?  Take another look at her real quick.  Yeah, that face, remember the flowing hair? You think you're the only one who notices that?  She's got options and you are somewhere on that list but you have no idea where. A list that is probably at least a half dozen dudes deep.  They all want her too.  Maybe not like you do but that doesn't matter.  She doesn't know your intentions from theirs.

So there you are, you HOPE you get a fair shot.  "Please. Just give me a chance."  You want to beg for it but you know you can't. You're not asking for everything. Not yet anyway. For now, you're happy with a fair shake. Play the cards...gamble.

Your HOPE is that she is going to invest as much thought, feeling and time as much as you have.  That's the ideal.  The worst feeling is realizing you aren't even on that list.  You're on some "friends" list maybe.  She has no real intention to ever actually like you. But she's polite.

You wait another day and go through the same routine. Staring at her picture, wanting to call, not knowing what to say if she doesn't answer the phone again.  The HOPE turns into trepidation.  You're nervous. Too much? Too fast?  But you call.

Voice mail.  This time you leave a message but it's no good. You erase it and leave another message. Nope. 27 tries and 18 minutes later you figure that message will have to do.  Who are you!?! Who really does that?  You're suddenly a scene in some romantic comedy.  But this is real life and you're embarrassed for yourself because all that just really happened.

Now you have to wait.  Every minute you think about how she might never call back.  That HOPE that a girl you like may actually like you back is turning into something else. FEAR. You want it to be something special but what if it is just like every other time. No dice.  It's a terrible feeling. FEELINGS!  Grrr.

Waiting is the worst feeling in the world. No news is bad news as far as you are concerned. At this point in life though, what else do you expect?