Friday, January 03, 2014

Hope to Hopeless

It is hard to press that "Call" button on your phone when the person on the other end is a girl that you are totally sprung on.  It seems counter intuitive.  Why would you be scared to call someone you like and are interested in?  The answer is simple: HOPE.

Wait, what?

True story. HOPE is the thing that keeps the little light shining in your heart and in your head lit up.  Let's be real for a minute or two.  In that space between "We've never met" and "The End" is where all the HOPE is.

Two weeks ago I didn't know this girl existed.  She was just some girl.  I had no feelings one way or the other.  She was immaterial, nothingness.  But the second I found out she was real, BOOM, HOPE.

It starts off as intrigue.  Whoa, this girl is pretty.  She looks like angels sing. Her hair is all perfectly flowing.  Her smile makes you smile.  What ever it is about her that makes her special, you notice it.  Yeah, her hair flows perfectly like there are invisible fans and fairies that blow and position every strand so the sun hits the highlights just right.  You notice that stuff and you feel kinda stupid for noticing but you can't help it.

The situation presents itself where you can talk to her.  You freak out inside because the HOPE builds.  Are you going to say something stupid and ruin it?  Will she give you the time of day?  I don't know this girl.  Maybe she's the meanest girl ever.  It's all questions, theory, speculation.  You don't know what to expect.

She bites. What ever just happened somehow worked. More HOPE.  She has your number.  Will you ever hear from her again or is that the end?  Will there be an awkward run in somewhere down the road where you call her out?

No. She texts you. What? WHAT! Your insides feel like they are doing jumping jacks in there. It's a wonderful feeling. HOPE springs.  It grows.  So you chit chat.  Make some tentative plans. You meet up.  After it's over you analyze...way too much.  You enjoyed it, things went well from your end.

Did she like it?  How long do you wait?  Timing is everything. You don't want to sound too eager but you are! You would turn around right now and go spend more time with her if you could because everything she said and did only made you HOPE that there would be a next time.

You try to play it cool but you're not cool.  You're losing your marbles.  More analyzing.  It's terrible.  Did it go THAT well?  Did you say too much? Were you TOO open?  Will you see her again?  When? Does she like you?  Is she at her house thinking about you?  Did you even get a second thought after the fact?  What do you say next?  When do you say it?  You don't want to come off as desperate...but you ARE!  Right now all this HOPE inside of you is making you want to run up to her and tell how you really feel.  But that is crazy talk.  You can't just tell a girl stuff like that.  Movies got your mind all messed up. That's not real life.

You give it some time.  You find something you talked about and bring that up.  Shoot her a text.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not if you can help it.  "Hey, fyi, you should check this out because I just found saw this and you said you liked that."  The HOPE is she takes that as 'oh, he actually listened to me when I was talking.' But maybe she doesn't. Analyze it.  Wait for a response.  Will one come?  How long will it take for her to see it?  What is she doing right now?

Man, you like this girl. You genuinely like her.  That scares you.  You have invested time, maybe a little money, those things matter less.  You have invested FEELINGS.  You have taken that HOPE and built it up into a possibility.  That feeling that maybe this is the girl that could change your life.  Maybe this is the girl that you would want to change for.  You HOPE she is.

So you continue to try and play it cool. The hours, the days, they creep by.  You pull her name up on your phone and you stare at it.  Is it too soon?  What are you going to say?  You want to ask her out. That is the plan.  But it isn't a plan. It is an idea.  You look at her contact picture, you smile.  She' a babe.  Minutes pass.  Your phone goes dark.  You have to unlock it and it opens up to her.  Your brain is freaking out.  Just push "Call."

But what if...

What if she doesn't want to go on a date?  All this HOPE.  The desire for her to be that girl.  It is all on the line.  It is a terrible feeling.  You don't want it to be the end so you put the phone down. Stupid feelings.

This process goes on for an hour, half a day, a day. Finally, you press the button.  It rings...and rings...and rings.  Oh crap.  Voice mail. Do you leave a message?  What do you say?  You weren't prepared for a message.  You can't ask her out on a voice mail! Too many thoughts. Click.

Now what? Analysis.  Duh.  There are a thousand reasons that she may not have answered the phone.  But the only image in your head is her picking up her phone, looking at who it is, and putting it back down.  That HAS to be what happened.  There's no way she's in a movie, or in the shower, or taking a nap or the 997 other things it could have been.  No. She screened your call and didn't want to talk to you.

You blew it.  It's over.

That's what you think to yourself, right?  You have all this HOPE inside of you, that she wants to hear from you, that she likes you, that maybe she will give you a chance.  I mean, you aren't the only guy after her.  You know that right?  Take another look at her real quick.  Yeah, that face, remember the flowing hair? You think you're the only one who notices that?  She's got options and you are somewhere on that list but you have no idea where. A list that is probably at least a half dozen dudes deep.  They all want her too.  Maybe not like you do but that doesn't matter.  She doesn't know your intentions from theirs.

So there you are, you HOPE you get a fair shot.  "Please. Just give me a chance."  You want to beg for it but you know you can't. You're not asking for everything. Not yet anyway. For now, you're happy with a fair shake. Play the cards...gamble.

Your HOPE is that she is going to invest as much thought, feeling and time as much as you have.  That's the ideal.  The worst feeling is realizing you aren't even on that list.  You're on some "friends" list maybe.  She has no real intention to ever actually like you. But she's polite.

You wait another day and go through the same routine. Staring at her picture, wanting to call, not knowing what to say if she doesn't answer the phone again.  The HOPE turns into trepidation.  You're nervous. Too much? Too fast?  But you call.

Voice mail.  This time you leave a message but it's no good. You erase it and leave another message. Nope. 27 tries and 18 minutes later you figure that message will have to do.  Who are you!?! Who really does that?  You're suddenly a scene in some romantic comedy.  But this is real life and you're embarrassed for yourself because all that just really happened.

Now you have to wait.  Every minute you think about how she might never call back.  That HOPE that a girl you like may actually like you back is turning into something else. FEAR. You want it to be something special but what if it is just like every other time. No dice.  It's a terrible feeling. FEELINGS!  Grrr.

Waiting is the worst feeling in the world. No news is bad news as far as you are concerned. At this point in life though, what else do you expect?


neally said...

Well played Mauer... Very well put CR. I went through that hope/fear dance scores of times. It's such an exciting and exhausting dance. The definition of love/hate. But you gotta keep HOPING that one of these times the dance will go on, and it will.

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