Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Spike, the Pound Puppy That Made Me Cry

So there I am, reading Kara's new blog and I come across a post entitled "Spike." Spike is her pound puppy that she has had since she was 5. (She's 27 now.) But she tells the story about how her 2 year old daughter Ellie has claimed it as her own. And now Kara has somewhat imparted Spike onto her daughter. Anyhow, I totally fell apart and started crying as I read it. And now I tear box everytime I think about it. I caught me so off guard that a story like this would affect me the way it did. I literally cried like someone I loved dearly had just died. Or how I imagine I'd cry if that happened. It hasn't yet and honestly, I hope I die first so I won't have to deal with those emotions and that sort of loss.

Which brings me to my point. I have realized over the years that I am an emotional man. Not in a bad way. But that is the case. I think it is one of the reasons I am single at the moment. I tend to avoid casual relationships and dating for that matter because I get so attached. It scares me.

There are those of you out there that may find this a suprise. Others, not so much. I love my family more than I can express. I hope and think they know that. But I can be distant to them. I don't call them as often as they call each other. Then again I have 4 sisters...But I don't call them because of this fear. I mean, look what happened with the stuffed animal dog story. I knew the value that Kara had placed in that dog. I knew her attachment to it and to see her give it up was not only brave, touching, and poignant; but I envied her.

I am so scared to lose the things I love. And at the same time I want those opportunites in my life. I was jealous that she had the chance to pass that on, even if little Ellie doesn't understand the significance yet. I know that there is a huge piece of me missing because I haven't found her yet. But at the same time I am scared to death of the eventual possible separation that will occur. I don't want to have to date a girl fall in love with her and not have it work out. I can't take those kind of heart breaks. You've read some of my poems...I hadn't dated most of those girls and look what I wrote because of them.

So this is my dilemma. I know what I have to do. I have to take that risk but I am so scared. I know me too well. As bad as I want to step up to the plate, so to speak, I am not willing to pick up the bat.

On another note, I think that my sister's blogs are amazing. They have a way of bringing to life their words. The stories and the structure...I am not organized like that and I'm jealous.


brittany said...

I love you! I already knew this about you, but it is interesting for me to hear (read) you say (write) it. This is why I love blogs. I get to see a side of people that they may not normally share. You're crazy if you think you don't express yourself well. Your poems have tons of depth. This blog made me laugh and tear up at the same time. That's life in your words, brother. Don't be jealous; act.
Can't wait to see you.

Kara said...

I love you, you silly man. I never would have thought that Spike could affect as many people as he is now affecting! I would have given him to you if you would have asked, that's how much I love you also. There is a woman who needs you, pick up the bat and find her. Those feelings of hurt and disappointment, they go away and are even forgotten when you realize they were all necessary to help you find that one that will never make you feel like that again. This is life, I want you to live it and feel it and breath it in and split it out and I want you to hit a grand slam to win the game. You are my hero, I envy and admire you in so many ways. We are the same. I can't wait to see you.

Krista said...

Kara and Britt summed it up- what is there left to say? You have so much to offer and as long as you choose not to pick up that bat and swing is as long as you will be hurting inside. It hurts just as badly to deprive yourself of the most powerful emotions in this world- things like love, sadness, and even loss. These things can kill us inside and at the same time they help us to grow and to become the person that we ultimately will be. I don't know if I am making any sense because at the moment I am not so elequent, but i know you will get it. You are loving, caring, loyal, free, joyful, funny, and sensitive. All things that your lady will love about you. And you may feel sadness or get burned during your search, but after you work through those things- endure and conquer them you will come to that moment of truth and realization that you will never have to feel that way again. And at that moment you will feel utterly complete, truly happy, and fully peaceful because you will have arrived at a place that you had always been so scared to go- and you will be there- and you will be grateful that you took the leap of faith to get there. I love you my Bubby.