So there I am, reading Kara's new blog and I come across a post entitled "Spike." Spike is her pound puppy that she has had since she was 5. (She's 27 now.) But she tells the story about how her 2 year old daughter Ellie has claimed it as her own. And now Kara has somewhat imparted Spike onto her daughter. Anyhow, I totally fell apart and started crying as I read it. And now I tear box everytime I think about it. I caught me so off guard that a story like this would affect me the way it did. I literally cried like someone I loved dearly had just died. Or how I imagine I'd cry if that happened. It hasn't yet and honestly, I hope I die first so I won't have to deal with those emotions and that sort of loss.
Which brings me to my point. I have realized over the years that I am an emotional man. Not in a bad way. But that is the case. I think it is one of the reasons I am single at the moment. I tend to avoid casual relationships and dating for that matter because I get so attached. It scares me.
There are those of you out there that may find this a suprise. Others, not so much. I love my family more than I can express. I hope and think they know that. But I can be distant to them. I don't call them as often as they call each other. Then again I have 4 sisters...But I don't call them because of this fear. I mean, look what happened with the stuffed animal dog story. I knew the value that Kara had placed in that dog. I knew her attachment to it and to see her give it up was not only brave, touching, and poignant; but I envied her.
I am so scared to lose the things I love. And at the same time I want those opportunites in my life. I was jealous that she had the chance to pass that on, even if little Ellie doesn't understand the significance yet. I know that there is a huge piece of me missing because I haven't found her yet. But at the same time I am scared to death of the eventual possible separation that will occur. I don't want to have to date a girl fall in love with her and not have it work out. I can't take those kind of heart breaks. You've read some of my poems...I hadn't dated most of those girls and look what I wrote because of them.
So this is my dilemma. I know what I have to do. I have to take that risk but I am so scared. I know me too well. As bad as I want to step up to the plate, so to speak, I am not willing to pick up the bat.
On another note, I think that my sister's blogs are amazing. They have a way of bringing to life their words. The stories and the structure...I am not organized like that and I'm jealous.