Thursday, April 12, 2007

Memories...water colored...blah blah!

So was thinking a little about memories. I had a received a comment that said “I'm not saying quit your day job really should trade in on your natural born poetic talent.” I was flattered that someone noticed first of all but then the reality and somewhat sobering thought came to my mind. I replied to with the following, “Thanks but I’d trade the talent for not having anything to write about.”

Sounds terrible I know, but if you look at all of the poems I write most of them are about the personal heartbreaks I have suffered over the years. I don’t really relish those moments. Did I learn from them? It doesn’t look like it because it keeps happening.

But what about the memories you ask?

Here’s what spawned it my train of thought. I wrote this poem about the greatest night of my life so far. It was perfectly perfect. I wouldn’t have changed anything except to make it last longer. If I could have prolonged it or lived it over again and again I’d take that couple of hours forever.

It’s not a bad memory by any means. But here is the catch. I have that memory. I have that imprinted on my soul. I can’t escape it, I can’t recreate it…it haunts me…a strange form of torture. It is something I would take back in a second and yet I know I’ll never have that again. That hurts. The memory hurts even though it was so amazing. I can’t have that again. And it is really the only thing I want. I’m not living in the past. I’m not regretting the times or the actual events but I don’t really want to remember how good it was and realize how much I want it back and can’t ever get it. I don’t want those scars.

I’d trade in my talents for not having these things to write about because that means it would have worked out. I guess that is it…the disappointment of losing it. I doubt that these memories bring the scrutiny I look at myself with. I know I failed. I could have done better. I don’t pity myself and I don’t feel angry or bitter that it hasn’t happened yet but I’d rather have had it go right a long time ago. Does that make any sense at all? Maybe this will help...

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