The thought that I may never have a family of my own, a wife, children, brings me so much sadness, so much agony, it nearly brings me to tears at times. Maybe it does on occasion. I try to push it away. I don't want or like to dwell on those kinds of thoughts. But they visit me with more regularity than I care for.
I've already resigned myself to the fact that if it does happen, I am going to be an old dad. You start running the numbers, if I met a girl today, could I be married and pregnant in a year? That means I'll be 60 when they graduate high school. That's only the half of it. Maybe at that age I'll be an old dad that can't do all the things I'd would want to do with my children because my physical condition. Can I teach them to throw or kick a ball? The deterioration of my ankle, the constant pain is such that maybe my kids will only know me as a dude with one leg. On the up side, when you cut off a foot, picking the Halloween costume gets way easier. You just need an eye patch and an inflatable parrot. But that takes a few activities off the table.
The thoughts that go through my mind. I may never celebrate a 40th wedding anniversay. My children may not get to know my parents in a meaningful way, if at all. The questioning. The "what ifs." What could the last 15 years have been like? What experiences did I miss? Years without the love, connection, support, encouragement one gets from a deep, meaningful relationship, I wanted that! All of that is lost. It's gone. I can't have 5 or 10 or 15 years extra to make up for what has passed. I know it may not have been a carefree, careless time. Struggle, pain, insecurity, turmoil, loss, but I imagine we would have pulled through. We would have been stronger because of it.
The loneliness gets at me though. Sometimes I just feel empty. I see my little sister and her kids and my heart wants to stop. And of course it's not jealousy or envy. I am so happy for her and that deep, obvious, abiding reciprocal love but while it brings me joy for her, it reminds me of what I want and brings what I lack right to the surface. My wounds are torn open. I don't have any wins to look back on. It has always ended in failure. My heart has been broken and then broken again. Then there is the self doubt. What's wrong with me? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? How come you aren't married? People ask. You're a catch, how are you still single? I don't know. I must not be good enough. Why am I so picky? I don't want to get hurt again. I can't get hurt again. I won't get hurt again. I'm good at being alone but I don't enjoy it. I get by. I make due.
I get that my case isn't exactly special, I'm not the only one feeling this. I know there is hurt and loneliness in marriages and after the ones that don't work. I'm not comparing mine to anyone else's or suggesting mine is greater or harder or more intense than another's. But it's mine so it hurts me the most. I'm not bitter about it either. Such is my tribulation. I'm not going to sulk or hide away or scream woe is me from the rooftops. I'm not looking for sympathy or reassurance that I'm a good guy or 'don't worry, it'll happen one day.' It might not!
So where is she? Who is she? How far away am I? When.
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