Valentine's vs Single Awareness

I would rather celebrate Valentine’s Day than Single Awareness Day. I don’t need a specific day to remind me or point out that I am single. I do a fine job of realizing it most days and I refuse to be bitter about being single. I am not mad that I am single or that there are happy couples. I am not mad that I have never had someone to celebrate the day with…ever. I won’t go as far as to say I am glad to be single or that I necessarily like being a bachelor; there are some fun things about it, but I think I would rather have someone to love than to be searching and waiting for that someone.

So to you S.A.D, I say, Toodles. I will not celebrate you. Rather I would like to celebrate Valentine’s Day for what it is; a day to remember the ones you love. It is also a day that gives me hope that there will come a Valentine’s Day where I will have someone to celebrate with…and it is going to be a special day. She won’t need February 14th to know that I love her but it will be an excuse to reassure her that I do. I look forward to that Valentine’s Day.

As I Zero In

I don’t know your name but I do know the following things about Anonymous.

• You live in the Phoenix area.
• You work for the University of Phoenix.
• You currently use Firefox 2.0.0.1 and Windows XP.
• You know Tom and end up at my blog because you've been on his.
• You have been here before…for a long time.
• You better be sorry.

Ahhhh technology…gotta love it.

Dear Anonymous Hater,

I recall the Lion from the Wizard of Oz was a coward much like you. You conveniently hide behind the safety of being a nobody. I think it is pathetic and you won’t ever find me ducking behind anonymity when I want to speak my mind. I don’t have a problem with your opinion. You are more than able to express it. That is the glory of the blogosphere, blogiverse, or what ever this is we are a part of; you can have a voice no matter who you are or how small it may be.

So when you come to my page and you make a comment at least have the BALLS, for lack of a better word, to reveal your identity. I don’t care if you come to hate or praise my words and thoughts. You can think I am a stalker or want to beat up my sisters (classy by the way) but at least, AT LEAST! have some pride in your words and be something besides a coward that doesn’t have the guts to put a name next to some weak attempt at hating on me.

If you are wondering what I am talking about, please refer to the comments section of the previous post. You will see where some pusillanimous nobody decided to open their mouth and try to make me feel bad.

Let me clarify something for you Anonymous, I haven’t even talked to her in a month, It didn't end poorly between us and so there is no need for a restraining order. Also, my sister’s love me and they don’t like to see my feelings get hurt, they care and want to protect their brother in any way they can. So their comments aren’t those of aggression towards the people that hurt me, but rather aimed at me for purposes of consoling and showing me their love. So while you may not like their comments and think that they are stupid, you obviously lack the understanding and the same level of love and support from those around you. At least I know who loves me and who has got my back when it gets tough.

This is also on the heels of hearing that someone hated on my sister Krista’s blog, someone who knows about her but doesn’t really know her, and tried to insult her. I am sure that it was done out of pure jealously. She is a noble woman and you are petty and ignorant.

You are lucky that you stayed anonymous my friend, because if I knew who you were there would be words much stronger than these headed in you direction. I’ve been to jail for less. That’s my word. You can’t see me!

New Poems...sad ones

This one is called Indentured.

This is the title track to the whole thing. A Poet of Sorts

I wish I had better news. But my heart is broken and I am sad. She is Magic.

What is a Resolution?

I have been thinking about the word itself. I know that a New Years Reslolution is a goal or something to that effect that you use to motivate yourself to be a better person during the coming year...

But where does the word come from, what does it really mean? Why do we call it a resolution?

Initially I thought maybe it came from being resolute, determined and focused on an objective. Then I thought maybe it is a RE-solution...meaning you are going to try to solve a problem...again.

As I browsed over the various definitions, #3 said, "a course of action determined or decided upon." That is probably the most fitting definition; the most appropriate. But I think looking at it in a macro sense is interesting too. Think about it...picture clarity, the higher the resolution the clearer a picture is. Legally speaking, it is the decision of a court or legislative body, ie. yourself. You choose the plan of action. In music it is described basically as changing one note to become another. Like when you tune a piano or guitar. You have change the tone of the other notes based on a single correct note, a keynote or primary note. Fascinating! So maybe like, changing your life to fall in line with certain rules you think you should be living, being in harmony with the law. In the military the word is used as a measurement of the smallest detail that can be distinguished by a sensor system under specific conditions.

I find it all very interesting. Resolution…maybe it means to put it to sleep…finish the job…do what had needed to be done finally. Any way that you look at it I thought an in depth look was needed.

As for me do I have any? I usually don't make them. I have goals and dreams and ways and means. Why do I need a specific day or time of year to motivate myself to be a better person? Plus, it just gives the Old Scratch more ammo to break me down. I don't need to aid him at all. In addition to that, a lot of people make unrealistic resolutions for themselves...I disagree with that. If you are going to have near impossible goal you better at least have some kind of a plan to obtain it...you can't just be saying stuff like, 'I want to make a million dollars.' How?

But for the sake of making a New Year Resolution...I don't want to give up on things so easily and quickly. I want to be persistent and patient and long suffering. Don't give up Caleb, be stalwart.

Reality Check

Have you ever been kicked square in the balls and realized it was exactly what you needed? Welcome to my life the past week. It’s been a deliberate, direct kick in the ol’ beanbag.

I had a conversation with my sister Brooke a couple of months ago about circumcision. It’s a weird thing. Not the act itself, but the result. I don’t know a lot about it. Suffice it to say that I am and if you’re not then I think you are weird. This conversation turned spiritual oddly enough and I brought up the scripture that talks about ‘O Ye uncircumcised of heart…’ What does that mean? I was determined to find out and give an awkward talk in church about it one day.

I haven’t thought about it at all until this very moment…must have been all this talk about balls getting kicked. Think about it.

Where was I going with all of this? Ah yes, a swift kick to the groin being the figurative reboot or jump start in life.
Thursday, I didn’t renew my lease at my apartment because I wanted to buy a house. So in 2 months I have no place to live.
Friday, I almost got fired. It was very traumatic and deserved and thankfully avoided. I won’t go into it anymore than this; I had not been focused at work and it was showing. I have a smart couple of bosses and I respect and admire them. I thank them for my rebuke and new motivation.

Add to the unemployment scare my current relationship that spans 1,500 miles and weeks between visits. Add to that a deep attachment and longing to be with her. Add in constant thoughts of her, wishing, hoping she is feeling something similar. Praying that she will do something to show you she cares. Then waiting days to hear from her. Thinking it was only supposed to be hours. The insecurities creep in, the fear that I may have said too much and scared her off, the wondering why she won’t call, won’t text, wondering constantly, waiting. Doubting everything. Even though you will see her in 3 days and the last conversation I had with her was totally satisfying and confidence building.

Then you here from her and she didn’t call because she’s been overwhelmed with life’s burdens and now sick and vomiting. How do you feel now Caleb? You’d been blaming her for not calling and causing you to wonder. As if she were doing this deliberately to freak you out. Not so. You were being selfish. And when I got the news I wanted to cry. How could I doubt? Why did I resort to that? Where is your confidence boy?

Foot: Foot to scrotum come in.
Scrotum: This is scrotum please advise.
Foot: I am making my approach; requesting fly by.
Scrotum: Negative Ghost Rider the pattern is full.
Foot: I’ll show you full!
Scrotum: huh?
*BAM!*
Scrotum: AW, DUDE…NO WAY!!!!!

Welcome home soldier.
Thank you Sir, it’s good to be back.

New Poems...not sad ones either!

This is a poem that I wrote recently about how I feel. It is called Closer than I am. It is a pretty good poem. Its not sad like a lot of my other poems. It is sad in a sense because it talks about how hard the distance can be when there is someone you care about.

The second poem is called Willingly. It is about how a selfish person's life changes when the right person comes into it. I like it.

Life is still hard sometimes but there are the moments that make it totally worth it. It is the little things that make a difference. A text message, a phone call, a subtle touch, a look. They make the big things smaller. Check out them poems and let me know whatcha think!

I have been lazy. yawn...

Hello my friends. I feel sad that some of you regularly visit my blog to see what is new happening in my life and when you come you have nothing to read. I should do better but I just don’t make the time to do it. So for that I apologize.

Since my last post 2 MONTHS AGO…dang, so much had happened. I met a girl. Actually that is about it. And you won’t hear me complain about it.

I didn’t really meet her I’ve known her for quite some time. To make a long story short…I knew her at school and now we have been seeing more of each other. She lives in Portland so its not the easiest thing to do…or the cheapest, but it has been worth it. I don’t know what is supposed to happen or what is going to happen but we are enjoying finding out. I’ve been up to Portland and she came to California when I was back visiting home. Both trips have been fantastic. I can enough good things about her. I’m headed back out there this weekend and then she’s scheduled to come to AZ in a couple of weeks. Her name is Nicole and she is beautiful…all the way to her guts.

Like I said, I went home for 5 days in October to get away. I had a great time. My sister Kara was there with her 2 kiddies. It’s always good to be with family. I love mine.

I don’t have anything deep to talk about at the moment. Tuesday is for voting. I don’t like politics. Sure I have said I was going to run for President but the state of politics to me is totally lame right now. Why can’t normal people run?

This Dashboard Confessional album, Dusk and Summer, is awesome. I can’t enough of it. It is always on. I thought I would get bored of it after listening to it 100 times but I haven’t. You should check it out.

I have written some new poems but I am still working on them before I publish them to the web. I’ll let you know when they pop.

Things are going well for me. The relationship thing can be challenging at times, the waiting, the wondering…but it is good for me. It is making me a better man. I’ll try to do a better job. It’s not you its’ me. J

To: The Baby Boomers From: X and Y

I recently got into a very short, peripheral conversation with my mom about how “my generation” needs to “do” something about what is going on in the world today. She wasn’t being negative or anything like that; she was simply wondering why people my age aren’t protesting what is happening in politics and world events. Basically implying that her generation made their statements in their era. Whether that was in the form of protesting against Vietnam, advancing the sexual revolution, and Woodstock types of celebrations. I guess that was how they dealt with the calamities of the world at the time.

I don’t think that there is anything wrong with what they did. That time in our country’s history was full of turmoil, ie. Civil rights, women’s liberation, abortion, Vietnam, political assassinations…it was a crazy time as I’m sure most of you are aware.

So back to the question, “Why doesn’t ‘My Generation’ (be it X or Y or what ever it is called) DO something about what is happening today? Why don’t we rally? Why don’t we raise our voices against what is happening? Why don’t we DO something?

I only have this as an answer: We don’t want to get involved.

It was our grandparents that created you, the “Baby Boomers.” They fought in The War and then replenished the world. They lived through the depression, mass poverty, World Wars. They were safe and conservative and scared. They built The Bomb. It was about protection…domination.

Your generation revolted against the “Golden Generation”, changed society, made life more “free.” ‘I’ll do what I want, when I want, how I want. It’s my body!’ You saw the lives your parents lived and decided that it wasn’t good enough for you. You wanted more of everything. Capitalism was your rocket ship; greed and avarice the potent fuel. Blast off!

You begat us and didn’t know what to do with us. So you called us “X” and “Y.” The fact that we were born was something of a miracle really. How could such a selfish, aspiring generation have time to raise a family? You didn’t.

A lot of you couldn’t do what your parents did and stay married, couldn’t commit and be devout. You wanted to be independent, so you either split up or you both worked. We grew up in broken homes; hearing you complain because you feel like you have to visit your parents or how inconvenienced you are that they are coming to stay with you for a few days. You put them in home so this wouldn’t happen! All the while we were growing up by ourselves…with 2 TVs and Nintendo.

We grew up watching TV programs you made for us. We were corrupted by the need to have a Cabbage Patch Kid; you made us into Super Models, Pop Icons, put us on MTV and sold us so you could make more money. TV shows aren’t made for our entertainment; they are made so you guys can sell advertising space. We grew up in a world full of capitalist aggression. More! Better! Stronger! Faster! NOW! We watched you build your corporate empires.

Now here we are…Generations X and Y…waiting, watching. What did you expect us to become? We didn’t have much to work with. We really just don’t want to get involved.

One day we will rise from obscurity and make a name for ourselves. No longer just an “X” to identify us.

Racism Sitll Alive

The above article, which you should read first, talks about a bus driver in Louisiana that segregated the children. Black kids in the back and whites in the front. Not only that but she made the 9 black kids share only 2 benches between them. So there were safety issues involved.

My Thoughts:
As disturbing as this may be I want to point out that the back of the bus is the best place to be. When I was growing up in Massachusetts, I always sat near the back of the bus. It offered protection from authoritative eyes. My friends and I used to flip over the seats when the bus driver wasn't looking. I once flipped 26 times on the way to school. It may still be a record.

I want to look at this from from my 3rd grade eyeballs. If I (a white boy) was forced to sit at the front of the bus and the black kids in the back, I would have been pissed! Why do they get the good seats! Why should they get to sit in the back? That's not fair. The back is the best place to be! So from my point of view from 3rd grade eyes, I would be the one repressed and oppressed.

Don't get me wrong. I think what happened is wrong. People shouldn't be segregated for any reason. I'm not racist or a hater of any one type of person. All are entitled to the freedoms that we have in this country. All I am saying is that there are 2 sides to every penny. But let me get one thing clear...the fact that the black kids were in the back of the bus is not the issue. The fact that the kids were separated is the issue; that those kids' safety was jeopardized.

Scribble Me This

I was going to go and poach the Sunday Scribbling from one of my sisters but none of them did it this week...and last week is so played out I can't even go there.

But since I have only written crap about how I couldn't get a relationship to work, I figured I owed my fans a little something. Ha Ha...fans. But don't think it is a mystery who visits. I have a little something called Google Analytics set up on this blog here that tracks your every movement. I know when, who, where, what server, what page you saw...all that stuff.

I am excited to see some family. I made a great escape to Utah 2 weeks ago to see my dad. It was a spur of the moment thing. He said he was going to be bored all weekend up there in Utah. So I ended up tracking down a ticket to the Real Madrid vs Real Salt Lake soccer match...2 tickets. And it worked out that with a free voucher on Southwest and a quick packing job allowed for a weekend in Utah. I booked the ticket at 630pm and my plane left at 830pm. Drop of a dime. It worked out because all I had planned was to go watch the traffic at one of my work's properties by the new Cardinals Football Stadium. So from traffic counts to golf and soccer. It was fun.

In September, I am going to visit Kara and her family. I had to go. When Ellie calls me and asks, "When you come see Tate? When you see Tate?" in that tiny little voice I couldn't really wait any longer. I am excited. Then In October I am finally going home. I haven't been to California in over 1.5 years. It isn't that I don't like going I just never have a really good reason. I see my parents pretty much everywhere else besides at there. I don't have many friends that live out there anymore. I guess I could go spend a couple of days in Carmel alone...it is a nice enough place that you can not feel bad about just sitting there alone. But Kara is heading out to Alamo and talked me into keeping her company. I didn't put up too big of a fight.

I consider myself a lucky guy. My family loves me. I love them. I have a job that I love (where I am writing this. hee hee!) I can't ask for too much more. Maybe a raise and a girlfriend...but that's it.

My Final Analysis.

This is the last time I will write about her. I'm sorry for dragging you through this.

I saw her again last night and I realized that she is a good girl. I can't help but love her for who she is. I can't be mad and wondering. I can't feel bad for not getting a chance. As I have gone back and forth I can't send it. My Concerns aren't valid.

I was aided with some great advise from my sister Kara:
"Your last entry you said you were over her, but obviously you are not. Is it her you miss, or is it the fact that she doesn't want to be with you that makes you want her more? She's allowed to flirt, she's allowed to be friends, she's allowed to pull away and she doesn't need to give you an explanation. It sucks, but it's true. So here's the question, do you let her go, or do you let yourself be hurt by her even more when she has already said what she wanted to say?

I recall the classic line from a great song by bonnie raite: I can't make you love me, I can't make you're heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart, cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Let her go. It is completely her loss. You are giving her opportunities she doesn't deserve. You are a romantic, a man, a hottie and so funny. You do the choosing...take control."

I'd go back and erase that last post but I'm not going to. I felt that way. I have nothing to hide. She may read it. But she'll read this too: doom.

Should I Send It?

I am writing you this because I don’t understand your point of view...your situation. I want to understand. I’m not mad; I’m not trying to pressure you into anything. I’m not judging you. I like you, you know that. I like being your friend. I think you have been honest with me; I have no reason to believe you haven’t been. Can you help me understand?

Our minds work very differently. I am in a similar situation as you. I know that mine, supposedly, is not as intense or traumatizing as yours was. None the less, I have been through more than you know. You may think, oh you only knew me for a few weeks, but that is all it took. Here I am trying to get over you and trying to move on. It’s hard and I wish I didn’t have to but I do.

Let me tell you about how my brain works and maybe you can see why I am struggling to understand you. When relationships in my life have ended I end up handling it in 2 ways. Either I close myself off for a period of time, be it weeks or months, or I excuse it and move on. In the first case I mope around, I am sad, and I write some poems…all that kind of stuff. I don’t really go out much and I try to deal with the emotions and the separation. While with the 2nd style I may still be sad but I move on and allow myself the opportunity for something to come along. I’m out and about looking for new opportunities to get hurt again…not really, but that is what keeps happening. 

So when I hear you telling me that you are trying to get over this guy, the heartbreak, the feelings for him, and I see you out happy, flirting, outgoing, and looking available I get confused.

I start wondering in my mind…
Why is she flirting with guys?
Doesn’t she know that guys are going to like her if she is doing that?
Why is she putting herself at risk if she’s not ready?
If she’s going to be flirting and going out on dates with guys, why is she not giving me a chance?
Was she ever interested in me or was she telling me all of this to let me down easy?
Why does she want to be my friend?
What kind of friends does she want us to be?
The ‘Hey what’s up, we should hang out sometime’ kind?
Or the real deal, I know everything about you and I still love you kind?
Is she hoping the guy will figure out that she is the one for him?
Is she waiting for that to happen?
Is that why she’s going to BYU so she can be ‘around’ in case he realizes how great she is?

These may all be the stupidest questions ever to you. But I don’t know what you are thinking; I don’t know how you handle these things. I know you are busy. Think about it. Take your time. Maybe you can fill me in and help me understand. I haven’t ever done this before. I usually just say F it and let it die. I never try to stay friends. Why it is different this time? I don’t know.

-Caleb

3 New Poems and a Quick Recovery

Yes its true, NEW POEMS! Happy day...I guess. Most of my poems are sad...so maybe not happy day. But at least you have some new material. I have put my poems in alphabetical order so it is not as easy to track the new poems down. I did that because I didn't want the people who inspired them to be able to go to my blog and see a new post and say, "That's about me! You Jerk!" or something similar to that. I will give you the titles though.

"Repetitious Ways", "Her Wall", "Scared".

I'll do some explaining because the "Quick Recovery" wouldn't make sense with out it. You can read my last 2 posts and know that there has been a little something going on with me and this girl. Well, I told her I was writing some poems inspired by her and she wanted to read them. She's been to the site before too. So she read the same ones you're about to read.

Without getting into any details...we broke up, this time from being friends. We figured out that it was too hard for me to just like her as a friend (because she's chocolate milk to me) and that she wasn't ready for anything to happen yet. It was hard to take. I wanted to be friends with her still.

I wrote her an email (which was how we came to the previous conclusions) that laid it all out. At the end I said, "I don’t know where to go from here really. My guess is that it is over. I don’t want it to be. Out of all the ones who have hurt me, you are by far my favorite one. You have my respect and love. Thank you so much my tiny chocolate milk." I shed a couple of tears as I wrote the last sentence, sent it, and left work.

It ended on a good note. She replied and it was over. I was sad. I tried not to think about it. I was really sad. This girl, she was to steal a line from a movie, "like Christmas morning." But it was done.

Oddly enough, while eating a tasty Flauta Bajio, from Bajio's Mexican Grill, it just hit me...I didn't like her anymore. Yeah! I know! But believe it! It was so strange. I just thought...Why bother having it hurt? You said what you needed to say. You did everything you could do. It wasn't the right time. Oh Well. Whataya gonna do.

And that was it. I didn't have those feelings for her. It was over. I could be her friend and not wish to be the guy that would buy her a pretty ring one day. I just didn't care and I was ok with what happened.

I texted her and told her what had happened. She replied later that night and said she was happy. I emailed her today and texted her yesterday and she hasn't responded...and you know what? That's ok.

Chocolate Milk

I love the stuff. It just tastes so good! It is filling and satifying. I could drink it everyday. It is my favorite. I could always go for some.

The girl that I was telling you about earlier...she is just like chocolate milk. And now everytime I drink it I think of her. Curse you chocolate milk for being so irresistibly great.

The new Dashboard Confessional Album is out and its great. I reccommend it.