Hope to Hopeless

It is hard to press that "Call" button on your phone when the person on the other end is a girl that you are totally sprung on.  It seems counter intuitive.  Why would you be scared to call someone you like and are interested in?  The answer is simple: HOPE.

Wait, what?

True story. HOPE is the thing that keeps the little light shining in your heart and in your head lit up.  Let's be real for a minute or two.  In that space between "We've never met" and "The End" is where all the HOPE is.

Two weeks ago I didn't know this girl existed.  She was just some girl.  I had no feelings one way or the other.  She was immaterial, nothingness.  But the second I found out she was real, BOOM, HOPE.

It starts off as intrigue.  Whoa, this girl is pretty.  She looks like angels sing. Her hair is all perfectly flowing.  Her smile makes you smile.  What ever it is about her that makes her special, you notice it.  Yeah, her hair flows perfectly like there are invisible fans and fairies that blow and position every strand so the sun hits the highlights just right.  You notice that stuff and you feel kinda stupid for noticing but you can't help it.

The situation presents itself where you can talk to her.  You freak out inside because the HOPE builds.  Are you going to say something stupid and ruin it?  Will she give you the time of day?  I don't know this girl.  Maybe she's the meanest girl ever.  It's all questions, theory, speculation.  You don't know what to expect.

She bites. What ever just happened somehow worked. More HOPE.  She has your number.  Will you ever hear from her again or is that the end?  Will there be an awkward run in somewhere down the road where you call her out?

No. She texts you. What? WHAT! Your insides feel like they are doing jumping jacks in there. It's a wonderful feeling. HOPE springs.  It grows.  So you chit chat.  Make some tentative plans. You meet up.  After it's over you analyze...way too much.  You enjoyed it, things went well from your end.

Did she like it?  How long do you wait?  Timing is everything. You don't want to sound too eager but you are! You would turn around right now and go spend more time with her if you could because everything she said and did only made you HOPE that there would be a next time.

You try to play it cool but you're not cool.  You're losing your marbles.  More analyzing.  It's terrible.  Did it go THAT well?  Did you say too much? Were you TOO open?  Will you see her again?  When? Does she like you?  Is she at her house thinking about you?  Did you even get a second thought after the fact?  What do you say next?  When do you say it?  You don't want to come off as desperate...but you ARE!  Right now all this HOPE inside of you is making you want to run up to her and tell how you really feel.  But that is crazy talk.  You can't just tell a girl stuff like that.  Movies got your mind all messed up. That's not real life.

You give it some time.  You find something you talked about and bring that up.  Shoot her a text.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Not if you can help it.  "Hey, fyi, you should check this out because I just found saw this and you said you liked that."  The HOPE is she takes that as 'oh, he actually listened to me when I was talking.' But maybe she doesn't. Analyze it.  Wait for a response.  Will one come?  How long will it take for her to see it?  What is she doing right now?

Man, you like this girl. You genuinely like her.  That scares you.  You have invested time, maybe a little money, those things matter less.  You have invested FEELINGS.  You have taken that HOPE and built it up into a possibility.  That feeling that maybe this is the girl that could change your life.  Maybe this is the girl that you would want to change for.  You HOPE she is.

So you continue to try and play it cool. The hours, the days, they creep by.  You pull her name up on your phone and you stare at it.  Is it too soon?  What are you going to say?  You want to ask her out. That is the plan.  But it isn't a plan. It is an idea.  You look at her contact picture, you smile.  She' a babe.  Minutes pass.  Your phone goes dark.  You have to unlock it and it opens up to her.  Your brain is freaking out.  Just push "Call."

But what if...

What if she doesn't want to go on a date?  All this HOPE.  The desire for her to be that girl.  It is all on the line.  It is a terrible feeling.  You don't want it to be the end so you put the phone down. Stupid feelings.

This process goes on for an hour, half a day, a day. Finally, you press the button.  It rings...and rings...and rings.  Oh crap.  Voice mail. Do you leave a message?  What do you say?  You weren't prepared for a message.  You can't ask her out on a voice mail! Too many thoughts. Click.

Now what? Analysis.  Duh.  There are a thousand reasons that she may not have answered the phone.  But the only image in your head is her picking up her phone, looking at who it is, and putting it back down.  That HAS to be what happened.  There's no way she's in a movie, or in the shower, or taking a nap or the 997 other things it could have been.  No. She screened your call and didn't want to talk to you.

You blew it.  It's over.

That's what you think to yourself, right?  You have all this HOPE inside of you, that she wants to hear from you, that she likes you, that maybe she will give you a chance.  I mean, you aren't the only guy after her.  You know that right?  Take another look at her real quick.  Yeah, that face, remember the flowing hair? You think you're the only one who notices that?  She's got options and you are somewhere on that list but you have no idea where. A list that is probably at least a half dozen dudes deep.  They all want her too.  Maybe not like you do but that doesn't matter.  She doesn't know your intentions from theirs.

So there you are, you HOPE you get a fair shot.  "Please. Just give me a chance."  You want to beg for it but you know you can't. You're not asking for everything. Not yet anyway. For now, you're happy with a fair shake. Play the cards...gamble.

Your HOPE is that she is going to invest as much thought, feeling and time as much as you have.  That's the ideal.  The worst feeling is realizing you aren't even on that list.  You're on some "friends" list maybe.  She has no real intention to ever actually like you. But she's polite.

You wait another day and go through the same routine. Staring at her picture, wanting to call, not knowing what to say if she doesn't answer the phone again.  The HOPE turns into trepidation.  You're nervous. Too much? Too fast?  But you call.

Voice mail.  This time you leave a message but it's no good. You erase it and leave another message. Nope. 27 tries and 18 minutes later you figure that message will have to do.  Who are you!?! Who really does that?  You're suddenly a scene in some romantic comedy.  But this is real life and you're embarrassed for yourself because all that just really happened.

Now you have to wait.  Every minute you think about how she might never call back.  That HOPE that a girl you like may actually like you back is turning into something else. FEAR. You want it to be something special but what if it is just like every other time. No dice.  It's a terrible feeling. FEELINGS!  Grrr.

Waiting is the worst feeling in the world. No news is bad news as far as you are concerned. At this point in life though, what else do you expect?

Deconstructing Crushes

Crushes are a strange thing.  I don't fully understand them.  Its like they are ethereal, ghostly; like nothing is ever SUPPOSED to happen with them even though you want it to.  (Was that the correct usage of a semi-colon?) Like, 'What the... I have a crush on that girl for some reason.'  It comes out of no where and you end up totally defenseless against it.

What I think is strange about them is there is always more to it than just being attractive.  There is always a +1.  It doesn't have to be anything huge.  Most times what sets off a crush is something subtle, almost intangible, these whimsical attributes that you just can't grasp or quantify.  Maybe being based on so little is the reason they happen so easily and often but are constantly fleeting.

I have gone through hundreds of crushes.  Some repeatedly, I will get a crush on a girl months apart but all I have to do is see her and its happens all over again.  Others it happens just for a single day and for one reason or another it just goes away.  I find it interesting that I haven't ever stopped getting them and sometimes they surprise me because of how different they are.  Some are on local ladies.  Some are famous singers, actresses, or celebrities of some kind.

The reasons for the crush are superficial and based on next to nothing.  Maybe I  like how her character on TV is written or she has awesome dimples or a sexy voice or cool hair or big eyes or maybe she is like no one you've met before and is intriguing or she's in a band or really loves her work.

With a crush I expect nothing to ever happen.  I am content with the crush.  I want to act but when I really noodle on it I realize that it is simply a crush and it will never go anywhere.

But sometimes...when it comes down to the meat of the issue, all I want is to have a crush on a girl that has a crush on me.  Maybe something would happen.

Dusk and Summer

This song (probably playing or on my playlist) holds a bit of nostalgia for me. I wrote a poem called Down By the Shore because of this song. When I hear it I am taken to several different moments in my life. A concert or two where Chris Carrabba, of Dashboard Confessional, had everyone hold their cell phones in the air to represent the stars that were out when he was writing this song on his rooftop overlooking the ocean in South Florida.

The first and most powerful memory that enters my mind is being at the beach below the Carmel House. It was a moment of bitter sweetness now. While it was one of the best weekends of my life, though too short, now it represents all the things I want and wish I had in my life.

I spent this weekend with the only girl I have ever said "I Love You" to. And I meant it with all my soul when I said it. At this point, I hadn't yet emoted to her that this was the case but I felt it and I knew it was real. I finally had something worth losing. These were good feelings and I cherish them.

Eventually things transpired and our relationship didn't last. But this song, in its beauty, will remind me of that weekend where I spent it with the only girl I have loved. And though it didn't work out I have a hope that there will come a time when I can feel those emotions and hear these words and I won't think of her anymore but of the new love I have found. I know what I am looking for. And I know I am waiting for something new, something that will be more than a weekend. I don't know who she is or where she is but she's, to cop a line from An American Tale, somewhere out there.

Valentine's vs Single Awareness

I would rather celebrate Valentine’s Day than Single Awareness Day. I don’t need a specific day to remind me or point out that I am single. I do a fine job of realizing it most days and I refuse to be bitter about being single. I am not mad that I am single or that there are happy couples. I am not mad that I have never had someone to celebrate the day with…ever. I won’t go as far as to say I am glad to be single or that I necessarily like being a bachelor; there are some fun things about it, but I think I would rather have someone to love than to be searching and waiting for that someone.

So to you S.A.D, I say, Toodles. I will not celebrate you. Rather I would like to celebrate Valentine’s Day for what it is; a day to remember the ones you love. It is also a day that gives me hope that there will come a Valentine’s Day where I will have someone to celebrate with…and it is going to be a special day. She won’t need February 14th to know that I love her but it will be an excuse to reassure her that I do. I look forward to that Valentine’s Day.

This is what family is.

Krista thank you for your poem. I love you. I love all of my sisters with an eternal supply of love. I have parents that love me more than life. For this bond, relationship, love...I can not be thankful enough to God. I have been blessed beyond measure and am indebted to Him forever. I don't know what I did to be so very lucky.

Here is a Poem by my sister Krista entitled "For My Brother"

FOR MY BROTHER

I know these poems
I wrote them too once
You feel so low
It’s a way to let go
You hurt, you’re confused
At that very moment there is nothing to lose
I look back now at what made me so sad
And I think to myself, “I remember that hurting so bad”
But now the pain is gone
Life has moved on
You know it always does.

But when I read your stories
It instigates all my worries
The tears start flowing
And my heart starts mourning
I sit here wanting you hold you
To cry with you, or for you
To do anything to help you
I sit here wanting to let you know
That I DO know the worth of your soul
My brother, the one who has loved me so much
My friend, the one I want to meet up with for lunch
An example of someone not afraid to feel
A person who has enough courage to heal
A son of whom my Dad can be proud
A student of life, not one of the crowd
A confidant, a lover, an ally, a friend
Someone who will just let me cry till my worries end,
Dedicated, trustworthy, and honorable
Can’t you see that you’ve got it all?

So when you are there feeling so low
Remember there is a little girl who loves you so
And even though I am not able to be there
Please kneel down and say a prayer
And right then I hope you will feel me say
“I’m loving you from just a little ways away”
I won’t hurt you or abandon your heart
For that I am much too smart
Because I know your love
And I hold you above
I know I am me because there was you
I know that because of you I will always be true
And you are always part of me
Because you were part of what I grew up wanting to be

Bubby, I hope you know
That so many girls will come and go
But someday the right one will come around and stay
And she will be a challenge and a beauty in your life every day
And she will see you the same way I do
She will be part of you too
And she will come, don’t you doubt
And then you will realize what all this time in between was about

But in the meantime you have 5 girls
Who all want to be a part of your world
Women who know you for what you are
Women who care about things like the name of your car
And we are here
To bring you great cheer
So in your times of pity and self-doubt
Please understand that I know what those times are about
And if you feel alone
You can call me, I will be home
And when you pray please hear me say
“I’m loving you from just a little ways away.”